Embarrassing confessions?? Lets hear them

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fuck off

Was drunk dirty dancing in club around new years last year, girl whacked her hand down and was playing with my junk. Then after a bit she wandered off (I was wasted still 'dancing' around). Wasn't until some other girl came over that I noticed my cock was hanging out.



Needless to say I pissed on her.

Did you do a separate paragraph so we can easily distinguish the truth from the lies?

why is there not a like button on this site......admins get on it

I've remembered one.

I was still in secondary school, probably around year 9. There was a big house party arranged with loads of friends from school. Great, everyone loves house parties. So the night comes and me and my best mates need some booze. The problem is we are 14 and can't get any. We end up raiding my mates parents drinks cupboard but he doesn't want them to know so we decide to do something stupid. We put shots of each type of spirit into a plastic bottle. Whiskey, vodka, gin and rum all that stuff, there were a few different single malt whiskeys as well. Topped up with a beer I think.

So we get to the party everything is going great. Getting drunk obviously I finished the concoction and then some mates offer a couple of beers drink them. Ended up getting wankered (obviously gonna happen). Loads of people were out in the back garden. I go out and smell weed. This is where it goes wrong. I go up to this guy and ask for a drag on his spliff he says no so I end up paying him about £4 for a couple of drags.

Then everything goes west. Like almost instantly, I go back in the kitchen and BOOM. I start puking everywhere. Right in the middle of the floor. Now there's around 20people all staring like wtf. So I stagger upstairs and puke in the toilet. I come out after a while and must've thought everything was going peachy coz I went and chilled in someone's bedroom where some people were chatting. I suddenly started feeling sick again. Luckily some one had given me a plastic bag so I puke in that a couple of times but there's a problem. Someone picks up the bag and it has holes in it and sick starts dripping everywhere.

So I get told to leave. I end up being sick constantly for about 10mins before trying to walk home and ending up in a field (went the back route because I didn't want to get picked up by the police. Made sense when fucked). And someone phone my mum and she came and picked me up. I got called 'Pop one' for around six months.

Yes, also for entertainment. I can't compete this tubbeh's stories right now because my brain is frazzled. Come Monday morning I'll have some good ones. And going to Download festival in a few weeks, I'll make sure to get some from that.

Haha just read @lantis' and it reminded me of a birthday I had about 5 years ago.

Was at a pub in town with some mates. Don't think I had a job at the time so was relying on people getting me drinks. Around 10 we leave to get some cans from a shop and head back to a mates house to chill and smoke on etc. I'm sat there chugging through my Blackthorn while my mate rolls up. I say 'let's av that maaaaate' and he gives the old 'not happening' eyes (like i get from your mother). After he rolls it he passes it to me and goes 'appy birthday matey boy' and i was obviously stoked. Smoking on and it was lovely and chugging my cans, all good.

We'd put the tv on to play games (4 of us in the room, doing 2 player and passing) and I suddenly started feeling a bit shitty. Hadn't eaten that day really and the sudden weed/booze mix was hitting me. I look at my mates and they're all looking at the tv for the game. Out of nowhere I suddenly chunder and it's a river of bright orange (thanks to blackthorn) with chunks in it (thanks to pork scratchings) goes all down my tshirt and pools up in my crotch.

To my amazement nobody had actually seen nor heard any of this, so I make a quick 'need a piss comment' and dive out the door which i was thankfully sat right next to. So I'm in the bathroom with my white tshirt soaked orange and my khaki shorts looking like i'd pissed blood. I wipe off what I can then have a brainwave. I decided to turn my tshirt round so the orange was on the back and noone would see it cus i was leaning back against a wall. I spin the shirt and wipe my shorts as much as i can then cruise back into my seat.

I continue drinking and get towards the end of my 8pack when i had tokes on another joint. As soon as i inhaled the first toke i get hit with a wave of deja vu and knew the orange wave was coming forth again. Only problem that this time someone sees me out the corner of their eye looking like i'm gonna pop. I was looking for something to barf in but all i had was empty cans so i grab one of those and the gates opened.

At this point my mate shouts 'not in the can, use the bin!' which of course makes my other mates turn round to see me try use my mouth as a funnel to fill a can. Of course it failed and once again I looked like someone pissed lucozade all over me. It was at this point that I said 'well I better go home and get changed and whatnot' so I took my leave.

Was a crappy walk home with a wet crotch and massive wet orange patches front and back on my tshirt. Got home and tossed it all in the washing. Next morning my mum says "are you feeling ok?" and i'm like "bitch i feel fine. last night on the other hand..."

rofl stories moarrrrrrrrr

I SAID I NEED MOREEE

eirD, as funny as that is for some weird reason it seems unbelievable because of the way you said it, weird lol. I do believe you tbh, I don't see why anyone would admit to it otherwise :P

Alright, I'll cave. I've got a few disgusting tales. What do you drones want. Alcohol/sex/drugs related story or all of the above?

ALL!

refused is too scared to post because we will all judge him!

Aha nah they're fairly tame compared to some I've read here! I'll post later on when I'm more awake.

Alright. I had one pretty interesting weekend. Started the day at work, had plans to meet a female friend afterwards in town, we'll call her 'girl A' (7/10). We meet about 5.30, have a swift pint in Lloyds and then it's off to hers to get changed out of the office attire. We have another swift drink at hers before heading to kfc to line the stomachs. From kfc we head to a pub for a few pints and jager bombs. Then she gets a phone call from her best mate who wants to come out, so we go pick her + gay best mate up in a taxi on the way into town. We'll call her girl B (6.9/10).

We're back in town, in one of Grimsby's finest drinking establishments (yeah, awful I know). Girl B corners me and tells me she wants to take me home. (I assume she's joking, I'm average looking at best and I'm about as charming as Pete Burns.) I laugh it off, but I sit and talk to her whilst Girl A and the gay best mate are stood at the bar. This is when Girl B kisses me, I'm a little bit surprised and a little bit drunk but I'm a begger and certainly not a chooser so I go with it. Then Girl B gets up and fucks off, not to be seen again... (turns out she went to shag an ex, woo...)

I sit back down with Girl A and gay lad only to get the cold treatment from both, I'm thinking "wtf have I done?" At this point my brother rings me (it's around 2:00AM) rather fucked and suggests I come to a party he's at. So, I figure score, way out of this icy situation. I make my excuses and get a taxi to this party. I arrive at said party, two of my best mates are curled up asleep on the sofa together, kind of gay but hey ho, everyone loves a cuddle. Brother forces me to down a mug, yes a mug, of Gin. This didn't go down too well but I held it in like a trooper. Then he decides I'd had enough alcohol and needed some MDMA, great! So I have a fat dab (no rizla) and go roaming around the house. The girl who's party it is was in a pretty annoying mood and forced a group of people to re-live their terrible teens and play spin the bottle. Fucking what? So I get roped in. First spin, lands on my mate, stacked rugby cunt. Second spin, lands on me, great... So we giggle and have a peck on the lips, balls of steel me. Apparently this isn't enough so we have to full on Brokeback Mountain kiss. (Fuck you I'm a man). We had a passionate embrace, bitches loved it - we didn't. Then my phone stars ringing again, it's girl A. She's crying. Ffs, silly bitch. Turns out she's now at a party too, it's about 4/5am by now. Wants me to come. So I make a move.

I'm at party 2. This is just fucking weird, there was a guy apparently called 'pancho' wearing nothing but a shirt on backwards (no underwear) asleep on the kitchen floor. Ok? Everyone else is in the garden bar Girl A who is on the stairs, on her own, crying still. Blah blah, I ask whats up. She has no response, simply suggests we go back to hers (it's conveniently across the road). So we're sat on the couch, I ask what's up again and then she just bursts out with do I want a blowjob? I'm an immoral cunt and I couldn't care less about how drunk she was nor how surprised I was and duly accepted. She gets to work, 5 minutes in I'm getting bored because she's terrible. Too much teeth. So I get pull her up, start kissing/fondling her etc and we get down to making the beast with two backs on her couch. This goes on for a while, few different positions etc (i'm way too fucked to cum) then we hear movement and crying upstairs. Her little sister is awake. FFS. So i'm bundled out the house pretty much in my boxers and now it's light. I get dressed and walk home, Gran's having breakfast when I get in, I mumble and fuck off to bed for the day.

That was the Friday night... There's a Saturday involving Girl B some more and some piss and some fucking parkour to avoid an angry Dad. But I realise that was a fucking brick of text so I won't finish the story now. I'll post part 2 if anyone cares for it, if not fuck you it was either that story, the period-field situation, the fat girl paradigm or trying to find @lantis at Leeds fest and falling in some mud. Also couldn't be fucked to spell check so ignore any mistakes.

Seams like quite a 'WIN' weekend if you ask me, hardly embarrassing mate! :D

Christ, when I have MDMA, there's no chance of getting 'it up!'

moar

" trying to find @lantis at Leeds fest and falling in some mud."


do it

Aha Wilkeh the Friday was just a good night all in all. The Saturday is where it goes wrong though. I'll post later.

I'll leave the other stories I was going to say to share a more recent one. Yesterday was my 22nd Birthday and I went out to celebrate after playing drinking games at a mates house since 7pm it's safe to say by the time I got to any pubs/night clubs I was pretty steaming and this story came from my friend. However, I remember some of it as it's a bit of a blur but here goes.

It's pretty funny but quite unbelievable:-
Right, went out to my local town last night and there's this girl who looks just like Cameron Diaz - she's pretty much her twin, being in the drunk state I was in it seem'd a perfect idea to let her know. As my mate was already talking to her as he was in the same year at school, it seem'd less awkward walking up to her to say my thoughts. Without even talking to my friend, I just walk right up to her ignoring my mate and said "wow you look just like Cameron Diaz!" her response "I guess that's a good thing right!" my cringey response to that "yeah she's pretty fit, I'd love to smash her back doors in" (sorry I wanted to be word for word and I've never used saying before as it sounds awful, so not sure why on earth i'd say that). With that I go off for a cig and get a drink.

Now it's the end of the night and I'm talking to my friends near the doors while the bouncers are trying to get us out of the club as it's closing time screaming 'drink up etc' and suddenly someone comes from behind me and covers my eyes with their hands. My friend (the one with Cameron Diaz girl) then goes to me "Tubby guess who it is!" I reply with: "it's Tim I can smell his Bo from a mile away!" I quickly grab their left hand an put any finger I can from their hand in my mouth (got the pinky). Now I'm not sure what came over myself but I decided to bite it. 'Chomp' then a screaming shreek, as the fingers as ripped out my mouth I notice the person had nail varnish on.... it was the Cameron Diaz girl. She wanted to invite me back to her friends house with a my friend who knew her previously to drink with a couple of her mates for some birthday drinks after drinks.

According to my friend, it's now sorted and she doesn't hate me. She now just thinks I've got a thing for biting people when possible. Happy 22nd Tubby you fucking spastic!