Embarrassing confessions?? Lets hear them

heres a fuckin bump

standard new years night out bottle of vodka, town , party at a flat stroll home... as i walk home steaming i notice a smashed window and a huge oil painting of a bottle of wine staring me in the face :/ for some reason i pick it up and carry it above my head all the way home chuck it in the bedroom. wake up the next day thinkin wot the fuk but just ignore it. Couple of days later its in the paper 4 grand oil painting stolen i knew id be fucked as iv carried it through town past all the cctvs. So i went and handed it in got 6 hours in the cells and a caution for burglary but if i didnt hand it in id of been fucked.

http://www.thisisgloucestershire.co.uk/Man-admits-drunken-theft-valuable-oil-painting/story-14344148-detail/story.html

I hope that was actually you. "Police recovered the painting" lol'd

lol it was me... the police were lolling aswell i told them i thought it was some peice of shit out of a charity shop then saw it in the paper and it was 4 grand!! They werent to bad about it to be honest every other time iv dealt with police theyve been cunts but the seargant on the desk said it takes balls to hand yourself in and recomended that i join some alcohol arrest scheme and gave me some alcohol abuse leaflets and even offerd me a lift home :/

i went out with this bird, took her back to mine and started smashing her, what i forgot to do was stick the dog outside, the next thing i felt this warm sensation on my bum hole as im smashing this bird, turned out the dog was licking my bumhole,

Hero! 8)

haha epic bump!

i like how the owner thinks im a god aswell haha

8(|) Sounds like a story trying to make people believe you ain't a virgin

LOL LEE

lol hero but why was the window smashed? someone think about stealing it then give up? probably the guys wife trying to encourage ppl to steal that piece of shit painting

cy@ matzz

you legend k3rshAw

/close thread

pretty standard for this thread but anyway...

had proper bad bellyache the other week all throughout the day in work, im a bit funny on using public toilets (mainly because the ones in work always fucking stink) so i decided to hold all the gas and shit in over a 10 hour shift.

work finished and i got to the bus stop ready to blow. i knew i was taking a risk but decided to fart anyway. i was trying to control the fart to the best of my abilities but the pressure was too much and i sharted in my pants. i had to wait for the bus for 20 mins so the shit was just solidifying in my boxers and going cold. got on an absolutely packed bus from manc, and stood next to old people so if people got a whiff they would assume it was the old person. it seemed to go pretty smoothly from there on in

This is amazing.

Some of you might know me from days of old, but some of you more recent members will proberly know me as the boy who let his dad down by shitting himself on a fishing trip. Reading lepino's fail at taiming the mighty poo I had a flashback to a friday night 3 years ago in a local bar.

Here goes:-

It was the "unplanned night" and Me and a Welsh friend went for a drink, hes ex army and set the pace which I happily followed. Anyway as the night progressed a few local nutcases came in and as I knew them a little they joined us for a drink at our table with some crumpet. I was on form and didn't even worry about letting this ripper of a fart out in my white jeans but as soon as it was done I knew that the situation I was now in especially with the local "cool crew" and sexy tarts was fucking deadly for my reputaion in the local area. The Resovoiur dogs thinking kicked in 5 sec after the wet shiity fart......or maybe it was the fact that i could feel my arse and leg soaked that kicked in who knows? but to me it was kelvins brain on the back seat of the pants. I knew I had a short time now to get to the toilets and clean up this shitty situation so being fri night the music was pumping and the lights were low so this was in my favor, I got up and went to the toilet i took off my jeans sadly the pants were a goner and thery were a nice pair too!.... they were fucked, the windows were locked and i had to dispose of these shitty pants so all i could see was the toilet cleaner brush, I lifted the brush and stuffed my shitty pants in the casing, jamed the slightly ridiculously taller toilet brush back in and cleaned my arse. There was a stain on the back of the jeans but tbh I had got off this lightly quick wipe with some water/tissue paper and I honestly felt like Mr wolf.

Anyway to cut a long story a bit shorter after blagging to a few ppl in another pub later that night the stain was just something I sat on I think my secret was rumbled after bundling some bird with my mates, obviously I went over the top and started T-bagging her head with my arse she got up and said rather discusted like as she was well aware of the stain and the fact my arse was being pressed in her face a 100 times! perhaps with some shitty smell? "why are you not wearing any pants ? "

I knew my dirty secret was out and just felt like a complete tramp.

pissed out of my head and doing all sorts off illegal substances in a night club, i pop out to get some more cash with a mate. whilst waiting i needed to fart badly (which i had been holding in for a while in the club as we were with some girls) anyway i let rip thinking nothing of it and pushed way too hard, shit started to go everywhere and i could feel it all wet in my trousers. i didnt know what to do as i was outside by a cash machine with my mate so i just played it cool and left it till i got back into the club.

went back in proceeded to clear myself up in toilet, ended up going back to his with these girls, things started to get a little heated so whilst stripping off i realised 'fuck, ive got shit everywhere i cant just strip off infront of her' so i blind folded her pretending to be a little kinky and it worked, result.

anyway im the morning she saw the shitty boxers and trousers which i had left inside out in my drunken mess and the look she gave me was unreal. funnily enough never saw her again

could of enthralled you all with tales of the neox but i am too skinny and lazy to do such a thing. you may catch me on a vent in the near future. x p.s andeh gfys :) xx

hahaha so fucking true